A Rainy Day At Work

Constant rain…it’s all we ever get here, snow and rain. I feel like I’m in England in the late 1800’s. Yesterday was a gorgeous day though...and guess what else? Yes, I had the day off ! I am glad to say that I enjoyed every minute of it. The sky was blue with fluffy white clouds. The sun was shining and it was the perfect temperature. I decided to edit early in the morning (of course) and spend the rest of the day with the people I love. For some reason nice weather makes me happy. Even if the day is horrible, I will be like oh well, at least it’s still nice out. Unlike today, I am cooped up inside work while it pours down outside. And watches the news to find out that everyone’s basements and streets have flooded.

While at work, I turned on Oprah (for no particular reason). I haven’t watched an episode of Oprah in years but on a whim today happened to be her last show on the air. Luck me. I’ve always loved and respected Oprah because of her story and it gives me hope. It gives others hope too. That it is possible to be done so wrong and turn it into something that others can learn from.

During this episode, I felt as if she were talking to me (yeah, weird, I know) when she gave her farewell speech. She was so eloquent in her speech when she said that everyone has a spark in them. It is our job to pursue that spark to our best ability. And that spark had nothing to do with how much money you made or how famous you became, that spark would grow larger because you were fulfilled. She almost made me cry. Because I felt every word of it.

And then I took a look at myself. Am I where I want to b? And what’s holding me back from my spark growing?

I go to work and in a lot of the rooms are these large picture windows, I always peer out of them when I get settled in and I pretend that it’s a prison. And there’s no way out. I can’t breathe. I can’t grow. I’m trapped by these four walls because I have bills to pay and people to please. I’m not there because I want to be.

These minutes, these days, these weeks and years are passing us so quick and I’m drowning. This is not life.

I feel free when I write. I feel free when I create. And when I learn and people share knowledge with me. I am free when I speak and mentor. This 44 plus hour a week job is not freedom. Sometimes when I am on my way to work, I think about taking a detour and never looking back, leaving everything, the worldly things. The petty things. The stupid things. And starting a new life. A new me. People think I’m crazy when I say it but it’s how I feel.

Something inside is telling me to leave here, life can’t be just about paying bills and living check to check, making ends meet. I know it. Some people would say that I was living in a fantasy but isn’t that where greatness begins…in the form of a dream?

I’m at work on a late lunch, its 8pm and I am supposed to be getting back to my unit, but I am here writing. I’m here writing because there’s no one to talk to. Just me and my pen. Oh, and some paper. I have 3 more hours to go in the bottomless pit full of non-creative minded individuals. And when that’s over, I go home and write and do it all again the next day.

Much love,

The Juicy Details,

xoxoxo     

Going to Volunteer

Exercised today…doing this boot camp video, trying to get skinny. That’s the new thing, right? I see a little difference and only been doing it for like a week. Yesterday I bought a bike at a church yard for only 60 bucks. Can’t get any better than that? Hey, it’s a recession and money is tight. I haven’t exercised in like six months because I was obsessed with my book (and still am). I edited it twice and sent in out to over 35 agents and publishers last week.   

Now we play the waiting game…oh how do I hate the waiting game. Last week out of that 35, I got two rejects. And that’s ok. One of them stung a little because it simply said “No, thanks.” I was like son of a bitch! I would have rather received a generic rejection letter like usual. As the days go on, I am wondering and doubting whether my book will stand against the rest. Doubt, its evil head is rearing.

Every day it seems to get harder and harder to accept the fact that my book may never be published. And that kind of makes me sad, it actually makes me angry and sad times two. Everyone keeps saying don’t give up and persevere but its like how many query letters can I send out before I exhaust all my resources?

Ergh…it’s mentally frustrating. My life right now is frustrating to say the least. I called my mom up and told her that something was missing. And I didn’t know what. She told me that she was still searching for it too. The thing is that I don’t want to spend my life searching for myself. Or that missing piece. I am only 23.

I probably sound ungrateful. I am ungrateful to say the least. Not everything is going right in my life and I am having regrets about certain decisions I’ve made but I am alive. And isn’t that the best of things to have? It is. I know that I need to stop over thinking things and stop trying to over achieve and go with the flow. And figure out how to start fresh and start again if necessary. As people we need to learn how to make mistakes, deal with the consequences and bounce back even stronger than before.

Everything won’t go how we want it to. Plans are meant to be changed.

So recently, I have been wanting to volunteer my writing services and fell upon an article on how to lend my services for a good use. The article told me how to go about and find different organizations and how to approach them and possibly volunteer. So that’s my goal for the weekend. No editing. No worrying about my weight or how life isn’t going my way but how to help others with the gifts God gave me.

Much Love,

The Juicy Details

xoxox  

An Emotional Breakdown

Yesterday was a beautiful day and I didn’t have to work. Two pluses. For some reason after I did like 6 hours of writing I became a little weary. Then I got overwhelmed and became depressed. So I decided to have some alone time outside. I got dressed up and went to the beach. I drove around and saw the ducks and the people, the couples. It was nice. But I still didn’t feel right.

            Something just came over me. I made a video blog about how I was feeling. Then I started crying. It was weird. I guess everything is overwhelming. But these bouts of super highs and super lows kind of haves me thinking. Maybe I am unhappy with the quality of my life and I am not doing the things that I am supposed to do.

            This morning I forced myself to exercise. I stopped exercising when I became obsessed with the launch of this book; editing, re-editing and reading takes a large part of my day, my time. I gained some of the weight I lost last year. I need to take control of things because things are out of control. My health, my well-being and spirituality has taken a hit and balance is needed in my life.

            Exercise is one of the things that makes me happy and I am going to incorporate it at least five times a week. I am going to stop using food as my savior and start getting active. Start becoming more spiritual and getting in control of my life. Because I can’t keep having this mini breakdowns which is not good mentally.

            Tomorrow is a new day and I need a new outlook on things. I am grateful for a lot of the things that I have but I know there is something else out there for me. And I am going to have to give my attention to each of my ventures collectively and stop putting all my eggs in one basket. And I feel a lot better from exercising today and drinking water. I need to do this for me. And hopefully I will have a lot less breakdowns because life is too short to be angry, depressed or wanting.

Much Love,

The Juicy Details,

xoxox

MTV Producer Responds Back!

Hmm…Hey everyone! It is I again, the one and only. Of course I always have to write before I go to work. Eek! Work. Yuck. Well, it is ok because I know that I am heading in the right direction. I don’t really have a topic per se to elaborate on but I did want to post some things that were happening in my life so far.

As everyone knows I am trying to become an author and a writer. Those of which are my highest passions but on the same level as fashion, make-up and entertainment. I was reading this article about this lady from New York House Wives, whose name is Bethany. She has a new show of her own called Bethany Ever After. I was skimming through the article and it said that basically she went on the reality show to promote herself and her passion.

            I said wow. That’s really cool. She was a struggling chef living in New York, poor and used one reality show to get to the next to get to her huge career and now has millions of dollars of endorsements. Why didn’t I think of that? (Ding) A light bulb went off in my head. People are always telling me that I should be on t.v. or I should be on the radio. But I need to be somewhere in the peoples eye. And yes, that has been my little secret…well not secret but I do want to be on t.v.

            So, I am going through my second draft of my book which I am finishing up this week and about to ship out. I want to be on t.v. so I could market myself and I think more people need to see a stylish divalicious African-American Muslim. So, I took the liberty to go on different websites and see what shows I could get on. Not shows that would exploit me but shows that would show the real me. I applied to six shows. And one producer from MTV emailed me back. Which is super exciting because my sister and I love MTV. 

            Yesterday my friend took a lot of crazy and bombshell-ish pictures of me so I can send them to MTV. They also required me to send in a video of myself. The show is all about fashion and I am excited. Although I don’t know if I will get on the show, it’s cool to be noticed by a producer from MTV. So I will keep you all posted on the outcome.

            2011 is our year. I keep saying that because I have challenged myself and other sisters and people that I know to take this year and lets see what we can do. How much can you get done in an hour, a day, a week, in the year?  People need motivation and so do I. People who have stable support systems and goals are much better in life, more happier and most likely to succeed. Let’s stop hating on each other and breaking each other down and let’s get to work.   

            I spoke to another good friend yesterday while I was off from work and she said that ten years had passed and she hadn’t accomplished anything, she said the time was now. And I felt her when she said that. Because three years passed and I was left asking myself the same thing. What have I done with myself? What have I learned or accomplished within that time?

            Yeah, I feel good about the remaining months of this year. I am making progress. I think. Lol. Well, that is all for now and I am off to work. So until next time, Muah!

The Juicy Details,

xoxo